Forget all the mediums you find in the classifieds. They’re crap. There’s just one guy in town who is the genuine article, and he doesn’t advertise.

This one person, the name of whom’ll cost ya, isn’t one of those gits unfit for real life who want to make quick money off your gullibility. He doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t even like what he can do, but as he says he was born with that ability and as there’s no way around it he might as well put it to good use.

If you think your place is haunted, if you think ghosts are following you, he’s the one to see. Referral by trusted contacts only. I could set you up with him. If anyone can find out who’s after you from the other side and what they want, he’s your man. No ouija board or other stupid gizmos involved, none of your typical supernatural mumbo-jumbo. You meet him, you tell him your problem, you show him your haunted place, thing, person, whatever, and he’ll tell you what’s up.

No, he doesn’t see ghosts, talk to them or anything like that. It’s different as he says. Now don’t just scoff at what I’m going to say, listen me out. He can smell ghosts. Nothing else – he smells them. According to what he says ghosts give off more different smells than there are colours in the rainbow, and he is a master of interpreting these smells. It’s amazing what he can find out by sniffing the haunted area alone. He’s so accurate he can describe the ghost as if it was a person he had seen, and what it’s up to.

Just hope you haven’t become the focus of a host of very angry ghosts – he’s got a bit of a weak stomach, too…