For the control freak in all of us.

Hey, get yer eyes offa my hip. Yeah, it’s a remote control. Yeah, it’s in a holster. Got a problem with that?

See, this here’s a Universal Remote. I’m not sure where it came from, myself… I got it off a Bookworm that tried to take me down when I tried to outbid him for a rare book at an auction. Dunno what was in the book, but he wnated it bad enough to trade this for it.

Yeah, see, the buttons do pretty much what you’d expect them to do. Someone’s talking too much? Mute them. Car won’t start? Hit Power. Wanna make a phone call? Point at the phone, hit the numbers. Someone kick don the door? Pause them. Or fast-forward yourself for a little speed. You want bonus points? Hit that ‘TV/VCR’ switch and see what happens. Whoa! Don’t point it at something living when you do that. It gets… messy.

Yeah, I’ve heard of others of these running around. Maybe a half-dozen in all. No, you can’t keep it for a bit. See, it’s got a few quirks.

You see, the batteries run down about once a week. It ain’t really a battery in there. S’a finger. I lost both my pinkies before I realized someone else’s finger would do.

Nobody else in the bar but you and me, buddy. And now you’re realizing what it’s like to be paused. Maybe next time, you’ll keep your nose otu of my business.