Perfect beaches, exotic women, insane magickal power…

You’ve heard about kago cults, ain’t you? Y’see, these primitive tribes in the South Pacific used to take cargo from Westerners and worship it. Heh, it’s sound funny, don’t it? But I just came back from Suva, man, and there’s some serious shit happening down there.

There’s this one cult they got going that worships Prince Edward. It sounds funny, but they’ve got some seriously hardcore mojo to back them up. Seems they’ve figured out some way of tapping into the magickal powerhouse of the British Royal Family. Now they’re in a war with a group of Australian adepts with Republican political leanings. No, not the Republican party, you idiot.

Anyway, the Aussie adepts are starting to respond. They’re moving into the government and manipulating them. They’ve got the Australian Federal Police wiping out the Prince Edward cult strongholds in the Solomon islands as we speak. And they’ve been cleansing East Timor and Papua New Guinea of Prince Edward influence for years now. But word is that they’re starting to piss off the London Urbanomancers, and then we’ll really see some fireworks.

Oh yeah, and I found this old map once. And old Prussian naval chart, noticed some Enochian script in the corner and studied it closely. There’s an island there that isn’t on modern maps. Toofaloo or something, forgot how to say it properly. I met some guy on Kyoto who told me the full scoop. Turns out there was this island in the Pacific that was the centre of a ley line or feng shui or some such. Anyway, the locals were under French rule, but they were oppressed on account of their peculiar religious practices. Yeah, it was the Cecilines.

During the War, though, they thought that the Japs were their saviors, and the natives rebelled against the British. Then the head shaman did something weird, something involving ritually raping a young French girl with one of the dud Jap bombs. But the bomb wasn’t dud, it went bang. And then the island was gone, poof. All records too, just like the Naked Goddess.

Now my Jap friend told me that he was on a whaling ship when they harpooned this giant thing under the water, and it dragged them into an Otherspace. And lo and behold, there was Toofaloo. And guess what he found? The entire island is ruled by this old Jap soldier that got taken along with the island back in the 40’s, and the natives are using all the old French colonial stuff for their own ends. Oh, and the ocean was supposedly filled with pleiosaurs and giant fish. Don’t ask me, thats what he said.

Hey, did you know that South Pacific adepts have their own weird version of Urbanomancy, but with islands taking the place of cities? Supposedly dates all the way back to the days of Polynesian expansion. Some of it is damn powerful. Never, ever, ever go to Easter island. Sure, its nice and all, but the guy in charge there is ancient, insane, and hates foreign adepts. With a passion. He’s the root cause of more South American border wars than I can name. And he’s looks just like those damn statue heads too. The rest of the island adepts are all right if you don’t piss them off, but he was so isolated for so long that he went completely bonkers.

Oh, and ever heard of Rl’yeh? Hey, come on, where I you going? Don’t you wanna hear about Cthulhu? Come on, I’m serious. Wait, I’ll tell you about how the Superbowl is controlled by a shadowy cabal of Hasidic Jews…or was it Swiss gold merchants? dammit I forgot. Stop looking at me that way, Elvis. Just because you’re a ten foot tall chihuahua don’t give you the right to…hey! I found a nickel. Heh heh heh heh…