Fourth story in the Magid chronicles. At six, Alia had some questions, growing up in an adept’s household. At eighteen, she asks an old family friend named Peter Ravlin.
My name is Alia Magid and I am six years old. No one knows how to say my name. Ah lee ah. My cousin Sunyata has the same problem. I live in Pomona. It’s in California, and it’s warm a lot. My daddy plays music. He plays it for people and he plays it for movies. Sometimes my daddy plays music for Uncle Peter. Peter isn’t really my uncle, but he was around since I was born. Besides, he makes funny faces when I call him that. That makes me laugh.
Mama was a dancer, but now she is just Mama living in Venice. Now she tells people how to dance. Odette says she is a choreographer, and made me spell it right. Odette is twelve, and is very smart and nice but very quiet. Daddy and Mama aren’t together, but I see them on alternating weeks. Odette goes to school in Venice and I go to school in Pomona.
Daddy is nice but weird. He won’t let me play music too loud. I can listen to my music with headphones, but not play it loud. He tells me not to talk to the dolls in his den, but the dolls talk to me and tell me to break them. I don’t because Daddy would get mad. When Daddy plays music, it sounds like glass breaking and cats fighting. I tell him this and he laughs and says that it was meant to be that way. Sometimes he makes up weird songs and sings them to me to make me laugh. They always do. Daddy is busy a lot, because some people like to hear glass breaking and cats fighting in their movies.
Mama sometimes takes out to farmer’s markets and her dancing things. People wear leotards and leap around and tumble. It looks like fun, but no one is smiling. Sometimes Mama just makes us color and stuff while she calls people.
Uncle Peter visits and plays video games with me. He is quiet like Odette except when he talks about movies. His arms fly around when he is talking and he never combs his hair. He also listens to me talk about school and we talk about monster movies. I like Frankenstein and he likes Dracula. Sometimes he talks to Daddy in his studio where they talk about what Daddy will play for his movie.
Uncle Bill sometimes lives in LA and sometimes he lives in Paris. He plays funny music with drums called rumba, but he also plays Smokey Robinson and Stevie Wonder. I asked Uncle Bill if I spelled them right. I have two cousins, Sunyata and Simonne. Sunyata is in LA, taking classes in something called Waveology. He says it helps your mind. Daddy says I have to wait until I am as old as Sunyata. Simonne goes to French school and wants to play music like Daddy. Uncle Bill says he’s crazy. I hope Simonne’s music sounds better than Daddy’s.
Grandma is nice and tells us stories and bakes us cookies. She knows a lot about my family, and tells me I have other family in other states. She said that one day she would introduce me to her brother Pinhhhhaaas (I don’t know how to spell that, I just wrote it like she said, like she had something stuck in her throat). I don’t know.
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Everyone asks me and I don’t know. I like to write, I like to color, and I like to tell stories and I like to run and jump and I like to play video games and watch movies.
I haven’t played skeeball since I was ten. It’s really been too long. So, as one of the things to do before I take off for Columbia, I invited Peter to the arcade.
When I met him in my car, it was like old times. I would call him ‘Uncle Peter,’ he’d sigh and roll his eyes, and I would giggle. Normal.
“You know that it gets real cold in New York, right?”
“Oh yeah, I’ve been there, remember, when I visit Mom.”
“Oh, yeah, the choreographer.” He scratches his head and smiles, proud that he remembered a name.
I nod. Mom moved to Cambridge when I was six, and now she is staying in New York for another dance troupe gig. Funny how far apart I am from the woman who actually gave birth to me. Odette was adopted, and she’s closer to Mom than I am. May just be one of those things.
Peter never manages to get more than 100 points per ball. See, he would just fling the ball and it would land on the bottom from all that force. I tend to gently toss the ball toward the center. I don’t always get 500 points, but I get a respectable score.
The machine spits out our tickets and I count them. Got more than Peter. Go me. I spot a Dance Dance Revolution machine further down the row.
“Hey, you want to learn how to play?”
“Nah, way too active–hey, Asteroid, I haven’t played that in a long time.” I shrug and head over the DDR machine. Peter seems to love old video games. Maybe if we find a Mario Brothers machine, I’ll challenge him. As I pop the tokens in, I laugh and talk to Peter.
“So, I was remembering a t-shirt I saw while going out: “If video games really influenced our behavior, we’d be staying in dark rooms and popping pills to loud music.” Not that I do that-the pop pills thing.” I select my preferred settings: start off just under medium, and make it go up every so often. Some song called Aquarium Mix or something is selected, just because.
Peter yells over while staring at the screen, “Oh?”
“Dad warned me of addicted friends of his. He also fills me in on drugs I never heard of: Jupiter X, UPS, I think they are designer drugs.” I start the up, down, right, left pattern, and then keep on as the patterns get switched. So, far, I am getting ‘excellents.’ Excellent. Heh.
“I never heard of them.”
“Me neither. Dad said that stuff was more powerful and scarier than your average drug. I mean, the effects are stronger but that was the problem.” The song switches and the arrows come faster. Fortunately, I am keeping up.
“You think he’s telling the truth? I mean, your dad is pretty honest, but he’ll lie if he thinks it would protect you.”
“I don’t know, but if I ask my friends about it, they’ll want to know where to get it.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah Peter, it’s weird when the only thing you have in common is bouncing around to loud music. Oh, and Dad won’t let me play it loud in the house. Still.” The speed goes up and I keep to it.
“So, going to raves and stuff is rebellion enough?”
I had to laugh, even if I did get an OK on that last move. “I wouldn’t say that, and some of my friends would tell you are that the only things that should be called raves are big loud house music parties in abandoned warehouses, not going to a club and listening to Digweed and stuff.”
Peter shrugs. “Your friends take this stuff too seriously.”
“Whatever. I just dance.”
Uncle Peter stopped coming spring. At first, I thought Uncle Peter was busy making a movie. But if he was making a movie, why isn’t Daddy busy with Uncle Peter? Uncle Bill says that directors can use other music for their movies. That could be it. When Peter is finished, he’ll come over the house again.
I tell Daddy to invite Peter for my birthday, and Daddy gets this funny look on his face, like it’s something he doesn’t want to do. He told me
Peter was in New York and wouldn’t be able to make it.
Mama hasn’t come here either. I know her week is coming up. I hear when Mama calls Daddy, but lately, I hear yelling coming from the office. The door is closed, so I can’t understand him. Odette is acting all weird too, sitting around the house and sighing. Odette looks so sad, but just tells me to go away.
I thought a lot in my room, trying to ignore the dolls talking. They also complain about being dolls, and I ignore them. I’ll call Peter in New York. That’s where Daddy says he is now, and I will invite him to my birthday party. Even if Uncle Peter can’t make it, I’ll talk to him and see how his movie is.
I tell Odette my plan, but she says that she heard Daddy and Peter argue in his bedroom and she hoped Peter is never coming back. She won’t tell me why they were in Daddy’s bedroom. All she said that she snuck in and couldn’t smell any pig shit. I yelled at Odette not to say that around me, but she just walked to her room.
When Daddy went outside to water his garden, I went to his office. It was two pm here, so it is five pm there, so I can call Peter. I got my piggy bank out, so I can pay for the call so Daddy won’t worry about the phone bill. I dial ten numbers like Odette taught me to call Mom and wait.
“How’s John?” Peter had a baby named John with that actress, Louisa. By this time, I am panting out the question. Now I have two platforms to dance on. I’ve done well before, and I can do better.
“John is getting chubby,” Peter yells, now playing Centipede.
“So, healthy, huh?”
“Well, yeah,” he says, squinting at me. He tends to talk in shorthand and signals. I can get used to it. Dad, well, he has a hard time.
“Is he sitting up?”
“John’s sitting up, grabbing stuff, drooling, the usual baby stuff. Louisa is taking him to the park right now, so I had some free time to spend at the arcades to catch up.”
“How is she?”
“She is healing, healing but I don’t know, she’s all filled up with the baby even though she isn’t, you know, pregnant.”
“My Mom says she was like that several months after she had me. I think it’s hormonal or something.”
Peter shrugs his bony shoulders and gets back to the game. This is good, because now I am on the next level.
He ends his game and walks over the DDR machine. “How’s the wedding thing?”
“Oh, Moira. Moira moved her stuff in weeks ago. Now she has to pick up her mom’s dress and Dad has to order the cake. I think they’re doing it this week.”
“Everyone got something to do for that, huh?”
How I keep up the pace and talk, I’ll never know. “Yeah. I did invites. Odette found the addresses. Moira and Dad are doing the rest.”
Peter nods. “Liked the swirly stuff you did, Alia.”
I nod back. “Thanks.” One of my anime buns falls out, and I can see one side of my hair tumble down. No matter, I got to keep up.
I call Uncle Peter and he was here. He said Alia, you shouldn’t be on the phone. I told him about the birthday party and that if he is done with the movie, he can come to my party. He said your daddy and I have a disagreement and I rather not see him for a while.
I ask why are you mad at Daddy? Did you guys fight? Can I help you get better? Peter laughs and says that it is much bigger than I think, and that a little kid like me couldn’t understand. I tell him that I will be seven in a few weeks and Sunyata says that is the age of reason. Peter sighs and stumbles over his words like he does when he is scared. Uncle Peter also sounded sad. He said well, your daddy, we were more than people who worked together, we were more than friends, we loved
each other, or at least I thought we did. But Daddy was selfish or maybe he was selfish, but Daddy cares about his music more than him.
I said I didn’t care who started it, I want you both to stop it, like my kindergarten teacher says. Why can’t you guys say sorry and come to my party? It won’t take too long and you can go back to the movie afterwards. I was crying and asking Peter why and Peter stammered and said I have to go Alia and I’m sorry Alia and oh shit, Alia, don’t cry.
Then Daddy comes in the office and looks at me all mad. Alia, what did I tell you about calling people on my office phone, he yelled. I cry and tell Daddy I was going to pay for the charges with my piggy bank. Daddy says it doesn’t matter, it’s his phone and I don’t have permission. I yell that I was just inviting Uncle Peter to my birthday party. Daddy yells that he doesn’t want to see Peter, and I have no right to bother him like that. He took the phone out of my hands and hanged it up. You hurt my hand, I tell Daddy. My fingers were yanked and it hurted. I mean, hurt. He sent me to my room until he could think of a suitable punishment for me. I just cried and cried going to my room.
I walk to my room and thought about Daddy and Peter. Why is Odette so mad at Peter? I never got to ask him. I don’t care anymore if Peter doesn’t come to my party, I just want Daddy and Peter to stop fighting. I tried to help, but now Daddy is mad at me and I feel bad.
Then I pass the den and the two dolls talked again. They said that Daddy doesn’t love me or Odette anymore and is going to send them away like Mama and Peter. I yelled at them that they were lying and it’s not nice.
They said that Daddy was doing naked stuff with Peter and Peter left him because Daddy wanted him to follow his orders. Yasmin, her dad plays in the same band as Daddy, she told me a little about the naked stuff to make babies. I said they were still lying, Yasmin said that only boys and girls can do naked stuff. They said that Odette found out Daddy and Peter did naked stuff, and her friends found out and won’t speak to her anymore. I said why didn’t Odette tell me this herself, so they’re lying again. They still kept talking. They said Mama got a job in Cambridge, and she is taking me and Odette and she can do it because
Daddy did the naked stuff with Peter and the judge will say it is OK for me to go to Cambridge with Mama. I’ll never see Daddy or Uncle Bill or Grandma or Grandpa or Cousin Sunyata again. No more Halloween or Passover or Christmas or pool. I’ll be in cold Cambridge with Mama, Gram and Dada and their house that smells like old books and old lady hand cream and have to go to church and be quiet. No one will be my friend and I will be all alone, they said in those weird mean voices. I told them to shut up and was going up the ladder at the shelf. I was so mad at the dolls for lying that I wanted to break them. Daddy was already mad at me so what does it matter?
Then Daddy ran in the den and grabbed me off the ladder. He grabbed the dolls and yelled at them. Nice of you to try to possess a little girl, he said. They said that they were little girls themselves when they died, and they want to be big girls. Daddy said you’re not using my daughter for that. They said they were only telling her the truth, something Daddy didn’t do. Daddy said he wanted to protect me, and the dolls laughed at him. Nobody protected us from the Butcher Man, they said. Daddy said that he is going to play a tune that will make the cruel ones come if they don’t leave me alone. They cried no no we’ll be good, but Daddy said into the china cabinet with you.
Daddy put the dolls in the china cabinet. I thought he was mad at me, but then hugged me and said I’m sorry. I thought he was crying. Daddy told me he heard everything and that he understands now. Daddy, I ask, are the dolls telling the truth. Daddy looks up and his eyes were all red and he said the only thing that wasn’t was that he doesn’t love me or Odette anymore. He always loved us, and wanted us not to worry about what was going on in his life. It was grown-up stuff, and he wanted us to be kids as long as possible, he said. But no one will tell me why they are so sad, I tell Daddy. Daddy says, what do you mean, Alia?
I wanted to ask Daddy how two men did naked stuff and why was he doing it with Peter and why Mama was mad and if I am ever going to see him again. Then I saw Odette on the kitchen phone. What do you mean I can’t come to your party, Cynthia, Odette says, Dad does not molest kids! She hangs up and sees us and looks really sad.
I made top score, but I’m so sure the next kid will knock me down. However, I was too bone-weary to even try to top my score. I signal to Peter, now at Tetris, that I was going to the facilities. Peter nods and I take off.
My face is all red, I’m covered in sweat, I breathe hard and one of my buns is down. It was a good day on the DDR machine. It is a good way to spend the first week as an 18-year-old. I wonder if that will be considered immature in college. Right Coast folks have a stricter definition of mature than in California.
So, I wash my face and re-do my hair. I also realize I am really hungry.
I walk over to Peter, still playing Tetris. “You hungry?”
He nods. “Let me finish my game, k?”
After that, we are sitting in a orange booth, splitting an order of onion rings and drinking large sodas. “So, finding a dress was a bigger pain than I expected.”
“But isn’t it semi-formal?”
“Yeah, but every dress seemed wrong somehow. It was either not really fit for church or not fit for the restaurant. I finally found something from a second-hand store, but wow, all that trouble.”
“It feels weird that Jacob is getting married in a church,”
“It does, but Moira felt it should be big and official. Daniel–Moira’s dad–wanted it in a Catholic church, but the priest told him that he couldn’t really marry someone who isn’t Catholic or even believing in God. The Congregationalist, however, was cool with that, so here we are, getting married in a church in Pasadena.”
“Is Moira that controlling?”
“I don’t know. I think Dad is accommodating her because his marriage to Mom was so informal. Dad and Mom registered at the LA County Courthouse, Dad went off to a gig and Mom went to rehearsals. They didn’t have a honeymoon.”
“Fast marriage.”
“Yeah. Mom told me that she and Dad were dating when a dancer friend of hers died of overdose. She left behind her baby daughter Odette. Mom got married because single people not related to the child cannot adopt and well, Dad and she were already sleeping together and Dad wanted to settle down instead of travel and Mom was getting too old to dance. So, they got married, adopted Odette and somehow, some way, had me.”
Peter nods. “I got some of that from your dad, but yeah. Yeah. Not . . . not exactly what he wanted.”
“He wanted us.”
“Yeah. He did. That’s why he never got to tell you we were dating. He wanted to make sure we did love each other, and that Virginia would not take you kids away from him. You know how she found out? One day she was picking you guys up for her week. Unfortunately, she picked up the phone and heard me talking to your dad.”
“But she didn’t.”
“She didn’t try to take you until she got the job offer in Cambridge.”
Daddy sat us both on the couch. He didn’t talk first, then he started talking. Peter and he were more than friends, but it didn’t work out. They fought about some music Daddy wrote for Peter’s movie and they both took it hard. Daddy took it harder than he thought. That’s why Peter hasn’t visited us.
Odette found out from Mama that Peter and Daddy did naked stuff. Odette only told one kid, but she told other kids. They told her that Daddy ate pig shit and molested kids, because that is what gay people do. Daddy said your friends are wrong, Odette, gay people don’t do that. Daddy said that Uncle Bill managed a band with gay people and they didn’t do that, they acted no better and no worse than anyone else. They made music, made jokes and helped each other, like Daddy’s old band. Then Daddy says he isn’t gay, that he just fell in love with Peter. Daddy says he never thought that would happen, and someday, he will explain why. Like you fell in love with Mama, I ask. Daddy said, it’s somewhat different, Peter was someone who seemed to stay himself no matter what others say, while Mama was willing to be someone else.
He just wanted to wait until he was sure it was OK with us if he dated
Peter.
I said Daddy does that mean we’re going to Cambridge? Daddy says that he wanted to show Mama and the judge that he’s a good parent, and that he waited until he can introduce us, but he isn’t sure. I don’t wanna go to Cambridge, Daddy, I said and I was going to cry again. Daddy petted my hair and told me that we’ll just have to wait and see.
Odette looked at Daddy and said there is one thing, I think I might be gay. Daddy said why? I didn’t tell Miko after she told the girls you were gay, but sometimes, sometimes I look at girls and see how pretty they are. I don’t get it, I don’t get why I feel. Daddy says there is plenty of time to figure out why, and that you might not be gay, Odette. You might, I don’t know, just appreciate beauty. Did you think Peter was beautiful, Odette asks. Daddy sighs and says that he didn’t think he was beautiful, at first, but he snuck up on him. Some people look different when you see them a second or third time, Daddy said.
Odette says is love about finding someone beautiful? Daddy shakes his head and said love is more than being friends with someone or finding them beautiful, but that you feel like a part of your life is gone when they are gone. Did you love Mom, Odette asks. I was about to say that’s silly, all dads love moms, even they when they don’t live together. Daddy just sighed and said I may have. I asked do you love Peter? Daddy flops on the couch and said I may have too. But it’s all too late.
Then I felt funny, a good funny, like after you eat a cookie or someone finishes a story. I thought I smelled Grandma’s perfume, but Grandma wasn’t there. Wait–Grandma was in my head, but she was just in my head, not making me do anything like in those scary movies Daddy watches. But I felt all warm and good and like nothing bad is going to happen to us. I gave Daddy and Odette hugs and told them it was all going to be OK. Daddy smiled and Odette didn’t seem so sad.
I still remember what it felt like when I was six, afraid that I would never see Daddy again. Just as suddenly, a few days after my birthday party, Mom dropped the petition for full custody. Mom said that there are too many of our roots here in California and that she trusts Dad to raise us right. Dad, Odette and I said goodbye to her at LAX before school started. I still visit her. I’ll visit her again this summer.
I learned more about the fight from Dad. Peter wanted to use another piece of music that someone else wrote and Dad vetoed it. Peter used it anyway. “The two things I have in my life, that are mine and mine to protect, are my music and my daughters, and I won’t let anyone hurt either of them.” That’s how Dad explained it to me. Dad and Peter reconciled and are working together, but it wasn’t as much as they did when I was a kid.
There was one thing I wanted to know from Peter. “Peter, did you love Dad?”
Peter shrugged, his hands flying up. “I don’t know. I thought I did.”
“Dad once said that love was more than being friends with someone or finding them beautiful, but that you feel like a part of your life is gone when they are gone.” I take a sip of my soda, preparing myself. “Do you feel that way about Dad?”
Peter purses his mouth and hangs his head down. “What does it matter?
There’s nothing I can do now. Jacob has his Moira, I have John and
Louisa to think about, what’s done is done.”
“Peter–that sounds like a yes.”
Peter slumps in his chair and pops and unpops his drink cover. I change the subject and talk about my stupid acquaintances trying to get me to take Ecstasy. Peter understood when I said that they look like Sunyata after his counseling at the Waveology Office, all dull-eyed but with a bright smile and saying nothing much loudly. I don’t want to try either Ecstasy or Waveology if that’s the result.
It was time to go, and I’m supposed to drive Peter to the parking garage, Peter stops me before we get in and says something. “You know, Alia, it’s the weirdest thing.”
I turn around, keys still in my hand. “What?”
“Your eyes. They look like your father’s. When you look at me, it’s like looking into Jacob’s eyes all over again. It feels . . . strange, like he is watching me through you.”
I shake my head. It is weird. I am not my father. Maybe Peter never really got over my father.
Maybe he is right that there is nothing he can do about now. Dad is getting married soon to a woman who just might be good for him and who will stay with him. Peter has his son. I only have to tie up loose ends.
I am visiting Uncle Bill soon. Then, I’ll visit Sunyata and his wife Lydia. Grandma is next. Mom too. I got lots of things to talk about.
awesome