Where “faults on the line” really come from…

Train-Spotting

Ever wonder why sometimes trains seem to run late for no reason? It’s no accident. People playing with trains sometimes mess around just because they can, you know?

Want a train of your own? Sure thing. It’s time-consuming, but not that hard – and trust me, there are no possible negative side-effects of this ritual. It’s guaranteed safe. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

First thing you gotta do is really get to know the trains in your area. Get a notebook, bundle up warm in an anorak or something, and find yourself a convenient spot with a good view of the tracks. Sometimes binoculars help.

Start keeping track – pun intended. Watch the trains, watch the routes, keep good notes of make and model and times. Eventually you’ll find it – no matter where you are, there’ll be one. I can’t tell you what the pattern is – you gotta really understand the trains, yourself, that’s where you get the power from.

You gotta know, you’ve got to feel it – the railways are alive. When you find that out, you’re halfway there – you can start working out the journey you’re going to take.

Start at the closest point on the network to the house where you were born. If that means getting on a moving train halfway between stations… well, be creative. You’ll find a way. Board the first train to come past on a Thursday – as in, the first train that passes that point that day. Ride it till the line terminates, then get on another train. Try to spend as little time off trains as you can, and don’t leave the stations. Stay in the network, stay in the system, or the ritual fails. Eat at those greasy kiosks – it won’t kill you.

Cover as much ground as possible – get it into your system. Besides, it’s something to do, because you’ve got a week to kill.

Your last train should arrive at the heart of the system on the last train before midnight the following Wednesday. If the railways love you back, a security guard will greet you as you step off with a package he’ll tell you was left for you – it’ll be wrapped in Thomas the Tank Engine paper. Take it home, and open it, but don’t go to sleep no matter how tired you are from a week sleeping on train seats – this part’s important.

Open it. You’ve got your very own LEGO(tm) High Speed Train. Set contains 333 pieces. Assemble it, now – before you sleep. When you’re done, you’ll have a model that looks just like the local commuter trains do – right down to the numbers, and markings, and hey, if you peer into the windows, you can even see little graffiti.

It’ll probably be past dawn, and by now you’ll see the little commuters packed in, squashed in seats and strap-hanging while they read the paper. They fade out as they exit the train, but while they’re in there you can see them. Set the train on the tracks and it’ll stop and go like the real train does. Hold it up and you can hold up the real train.

Just be careful you don’t knock the train off the tracks after that – what did those people ever do to you?

And trust me, there are no bad side-effects of this. None.