There’s this weirdo who hangs out at the gas station where I work overnights and he says the damnedest things…

Hey, did you hear that Elton John is going to rewrite the lyrics to another one of his songs when Elizabeth II finally kicks it (you know, like he did with Candle in the Wind). My money says it’s either going to be Crocodile Rock or Rocket Man.

Ever seen any naked pictures of your mother? Want to?

There used to be an old sorcerer in Kentucky who twigged to using proxy rituals on his own children to prolong his own life–going so far as to name all of his children after himself to make the process easier. He’d reached quite an age–130 or so, before his repeated deaths on the operating table depleted his supply of proxied relatives. Word has it a certain celebrity has repeated the old bugger’s nefarious plan of life-extension. Don’t know who I’m talking about? Sure you do, you’ve probably seen his face on the side of the box of one of those Indoor Grills.

Don’t ask me about the Wonderful Wonderful Girl. Anyone who’s so convinced that she lives in the best of all possible worlds that she can bend reality around herself to make it so is bad enough. The fact that she’s a horrible sadist makes the proposition unbearable.

I heard the Compte de St. Germaine and the Eye Biting Man have some kind of arrangement going on–lots of the Compte’s enemies end up dead with their eyes chewed out of their heads, anyway.

Those zombie slasher movies have almost nothing to do with Voodoo…they do have an awful close similarity to certain Native American myths about the Wendigo (a spirit that possesses its victims and causes them to hunger for the flesh of their fellow humans). No coincidence that the maker of the best zombie movies, George Romero, set his movies in the American Upper Midwest, where the Wendigo legend has its home….

Hey, did you know that wine coolers make really good bong water? And drinking it afterwards grants you mystical insights (chief among them is ‘drugs are bad, mmkay?’)