Look, man, I’m only certain about those gum capsules, the kind with that thin shell, but I’m not taking any chances after what I saw last night…

You remember the science project I’m working on? The one that simulates a human stomach, acid and temperature and everything? Well, I’ve been dropping in twinkies and candy bars and stuff and timing how fast they dissolve. Yeah, I thought it was a pretty cool idea too. But check this out:

Yesterday morning I drop in one of those spearmint Eclipse gum capsules. It just sinks right down to the bottom and sits there. No bubbling, no nothing. So I microwave some leftover pizza and just eat and watch the thing for a couple minutes before losing interest and dropping my second slice into the vat. Before leaving for school I drop in one of those enchiladas from last night and turn on the camera.

So, after school, the movie, and the party at Jessie’s, I finally get home and the seal’s off. And get this: the vat’s almost clean, only a few bits of stuff floating around. Right, that’s what I first thought, but she’s in L.A. for that conference until Thursday, and she would’ve just chucked the whole thing anyway. Most of the liquid was still in there.

So then I check the recording. About five minutes after I left for school, everything’s normal, right? The pizza’s a mess and the enchilada’s starting to break down.

And that’s when the gum capsule begins to hatch.

It gets all these cracks over it, like a chicken egg, then it split wide open and this thing crawls out, but it’s all clear and wavy, like Predator, you know? Hey, don’t look at me that way, I wasn’t that wasted! So the thing swims around in the vat for a bit before going straight for the enchilada. Doesn’t even touch the pizza, just wraps itself around the whole enchilada and starts, I don’t know, absorbing it.

And then it just disappears. Maybe it just sunk down to the bottom, digesting it, but it doesn’t move for like five hours. But then, it starts rushing around the vat, bumping into the glass, like it’s looking for a way out or something. Then it gets all mellow, and drifts around for a bit, like it’s thinking or something, right?

Then, get this, it starts to climb.

Huh? With tentacles, I guess. It looked kinda like a squid. A small, wavy, enchilada-colored squid, climbing its way up the glass. When it gets to the top, it just pops off the seal and oozes out. No, don’t know where it went…see, it turned the camera off before checking out. Serious! Squirmed straight for the camera and hits the power.

Anyway, I’m like paranoid for the rest of the night, yeah? Checking under the bed and in the closet, then all that alcohol hits my system and I’m out. When my alarm goes off the next morning, the tape’s gone, there’s all these sucker marks all over the desk, and Rosko’s downstairs, in the kitchen corner, whimpering and staring at the doggy door.

Huh? Yeah, I bought some from Jessie last night, how’d you know? I saved you some, but watch it, it’s really potent.

But I tell you, man, it makes so much sense… I always swallow my gum, ever since I was a kid, and remember last year, how I always used to get the runs after eating Taco Bell? I tell ya, those little guys must love mexican…