Chapter Thirteen: They’re Always After Me Unlucky Charms

“Anyone else getting a headache?”

“A headache? What the hell were you lifting that thing with?”

John dramatically balanced on one leg and held up the other. “My toenails. I’m serious though. I got a headache.”

Ace scratched his chin and looked at the drill machine. “Guys, this is neither the time nor the place.”

“Lies! It’s the perfect time AND the perfect place!”

“John.”

“Yes?”

“Stop talking for thirty seconds. If you don’t, I will set your poncho on fire while you are still wearing it. Are you picking up on my subtle threats?”

“Just barely.”

Drew started running his hands around the barrel. “There’s something inside here, right? So where’s the release catch? How do we open it?”

“I don’t remember, which is par for the course. Maybe it responds to verbal commands.”

“Like Kimiko?”

“…actually yes, but for a split second there I felt like laughing so hard my kidneys imploded.”

“Why? Her personality seems really accommodating.”

“It does, and it is, but…”

Ace tried rotating the drill bit. “It kinda feels like there was a time when she was extremely headstrong. I’m kinda worried where that went.”

“What, you think she broke something?”

“No, maybe I took it out of her.”

“…huh. Maybe I’m a hypocrite, but that was probably a good thing.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

“I’m serious. About how strong would you say Kimiko is?”

“Well… a chimpanzee is strong enough to snap a human being in half. I think with her leverage and stress points, and the power train’s capacity, she could snap two chimps at once.”

“And isn’t that the kind of potential destructive power you want to keep from getting away from you? Or inflicted on you?”

“You have a small point. Very small. Anyway… here goes. Open.”

The machine did not respond in any way that Ace was able to detect.

“…well, that idea is shot.”

“Yeah. You want to take it apart?”

“Not really, but I can do that later on. It seems pretty modular. I think John’s headache is spreading like a virus. I’m gonna go lie down and bemoan my fate… or… something. You guys help yourself to anything in the fridge.”

Cody lept in the air, somehow managing to not hit his head on the ceiling or the light fixtures attached to the same. “FRIDGE FIGHT!”

“Also, there will be no warfare with appliances on account of I don’t remember if they can kill people or not.”

“Dammit!”

***

A woman who looked a little bit like a very young Loretta Switt stared at the military man down the barrel of what looked like a cross between an old fashioned blunderbuss and an air-horn. The military man didn’t seem very worried or intimidated.

“It doesn’t have to be this way, Corey.”

The woman frowned. “Actually, I’m afraid it does.”

Without warning, or even a visible reason, the woman’s head exploded. Instead of being pelted with gears, cams and oil, Ace was covered in fragments of skull and splatters of brain. And blood. Lots of it. The military man shrugged and picked up the gun. “This didn’t actually happen, kid. You’re just filling in the gaps. Or maybe it did and I’m lying to you. So the question is what would I have to gain… right?”

A turkey with wrap around goggles sped by on a motorcycle and grabbed the gun out of the military man’s hands. Winking, he twisted the throttle with a taloned foot and sped off into the gray mist-

***

-swirled around the legs of the girl. Ace looked up into a very angry woman’s face.

“If you try to look up my skirt again, I’ll do things to your dick that even the Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t try.”

Without any apparent volition behind it, Ace started talking. “Is that a threat, or an invitation? Because I honestly can’t freaking tell with you.”

“Just keep your mind on your work.”

“It would be easier if you didn’t… something around in a god-damned skirt. Galavant. Or flounce. Or whatever. Besides, don’t your legs get cold?”

“The temperature of my legs is none of your fucking business!”

“I can’t tell if that’s a yes or a no. Toss me that hammer. And not at my head or balls.”

Ace looked back down at his work and was surprised to see his own reflection. He was also surprised to see the shiny machine that was reflecting that face, but not as much. One eye was glowing a constant blue, and there were several days of beard stubble on his chin. Not to mention some nasty cuts.

A hammer appeared between his face and the machine, and Ace looked up. “What, no hitting me someplace I didn’t mention as protected space?”

“You saved Lyle. Much as I don’t like your attitude or your methods, you’ve still been sticking your neck out for him. And me. And everyone. I’m not going to rend the flesh of a guy on my side. That’s just stupid.”

“Very true. If I’d known that just three weeks ago I’d never have gotten stuck here, and I wouldn’t have the Vet from Hell breathing down my soul’s neck. Or my neck’s soul. Probably not both, he doesn’t seem like the thorough type. Flathead screwdriver.”

“How is this going to help us escape again?”

“It’s a long story. The thing flies around on a magnetic suspension field and these pointy things will sever the legs of any attackers.”

Ace stopped adjusting the clockwork and tapped the screwdriver against his head. “That… that didn’t take as long as I thought it-”

***

Ace opened his eyes and looked around the bedroom. Everything seemed to be in order.

“Man, if this is another lucid dream gone bad, I’m gonna be pissed.”

“Hoowazzuh?”

Ace looked over the edge of the bed and saw Cody curled up on the floor. Moving slowly and carefully, he got up on the opposite side of the bed and walked around, out into the rest of the apartment.

“Things that bother you, never bother me, I’m so happy and fine, living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, having a wonderful time!”

Ace paused outside the bathroom door. He was reasonably sure that was Kimiko’s voice, but it held an emotional quality that he couldn’t remember hearing before. He knew in his heart that the line between form and function was not only fine but sometimes dotted, so this made more sense in that context. More human skin and an ability to speak would add up to more human behavior, perhaps. After a few moments of deep thought, he continued into the living room area and flopped on the sofa.

“…no remote. Figures.”

Ace started to get up, then noticed something about the TV set. Essentially the fact that it was there first, followed by what had been done to it. The fact that his mind normally skipped over the TV when he was in the room was strange enough, even though it was an obvious fixture of the room and an expected fixture of ANY house or apartment outside of the extremely poor or the Amish country. Plus the fact that it was one of those old machines that still used dials, and had STEAM PIPES coming out of the back, made its evasion of his notice even stranger.

Then again, perhaps that was in the nature of the last few days. He hadn’t been thinking about watching TV, therefore he didn’t need to devote any interest to it. Whatever occupies a person’s mind is what his senses will give priority to; he had a thing about memory and clues to his past, so he would seek out stuff in his desk and drawers that would be missed by, say, a burglar looking for valuables. In that light, overlooking the appliance in favor of other things made sense.

Still, the TV was on the opposite side of the room and there was no remote control in reach… unless….

“Television On.”

There was whirring noise and the screen slowly began to glow. Now and then Ace could see hints of scan lines, both horizontal AND vertical. Still, the picture was amazingly high quality.

“Hmmm. News.”

There was a burst of snow and static, and the screen depicted a talking head on CNN.

“…neat. How about Comedy?”

There was more static, and a man standing up on stage, gesturing wildly and yelling.

“And if you look this way, and look at only the one Starbucks, immediately you think ‘When I turn around, there can’t possibly be a Starbucks behind me. NOBODY could be that stupid. And if there was a just and loving God, he wouldn’t allow this kind of thing to HAPPEN!’ So you turn slowly thinking you’ll see a Denny’s, or a Gap, or a Mobil Station. AND THERE’S A STARBUCKS!”

Ace chuckled. “Eh… Mystery?”

Quite to his surprise, Ace saw the drilling machine open up. The top split open almost like a blooming metal flower with petals of pointy death, and something with eight clicking legs climbed up to the top and hopped onto the TV set. Mandibles or spinneretts or some mechanical system that had no living analog penetrated the TV, and the screen changed again.

“Hey me. If you’re seeing this you uttered the correct code word while the spider couldn’t detect anyone or anything in Earshot that could eavesdrop. I’ll talk fast so it’ll stay that way. No time for details. Just follow these instructions as best you can.”

Ace stared slack jawed at his own recorded image, as it held up what looked like a stationary book.

“There’s a girl up in Canada. Stephanie Gregors. Master of books and the written word. Find her and ask for the second most recent edition of The Book. Emphasis mine. Right after this message I’ll be destroying this copy so it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. By which I mean anyone’s but ours. Steph owed us a favor last I checked, but you may still need to help her with stuff before she can help you. Then, put The Book next to the spider. He will do the rest. Don’t tell anyone about this message. And oh yeah, there’s something in the drilling machine I think you’ll like. I should know, hehe.”

The screen went blank and the spider hopped off the TV set. Small tools extended from both front legs and it began pursuing some of the other clockworks in the room. Ace blinked a few times, then got up and looked into the open machine.

There was something that looked like an automatic carbine at the bottom. Ace carefully picked it up and examined it, both the obvious metal parts and what he could see of the symbolic parts.

“…Oh, this is gonna be SWEET.”