A fistful of true words from Australia…

You know how every corner shop you find in the twisted backstreets of a suburb looks the same? That’s because they are.

The drought is a lie. Tiddilik has been draining the dams.

Mobile phone towers are only laid along ley lines. They are placed to focus and redirect the magical energies of the world (The ‘phone networks are only a cover story. What you think is your friend talking to you are actually the demons that cluster around concentrated magickal energy.) Anyway, that’s why the privatization of Telstra is such a big deal- imagine all that power focused on one corporation or CEO.

Who’s Alex Abel, anyway?

There are hidden messages in the patterns of bus seats.

If you’re walking through the Rocks in Sydney barefoot as dawn breaks on Australia Day, you’ll go back in time. Problem is, being a convict in 19th century Sydney is pretty dull and there’s no way back.

John Howard really is a fleshcrafted rat.

Multiculturalism warps the world. Places where a Polish sausage shop abuts a Turkish kebab-and-pizza place across the road from a Greek delicatessan: that’s where demons get out. Why do you think Australia is full of Otherspaces? Why are most groups made of different races? Why else would the Max pick the Arches as a front- name a more evocative symbol of the global community.

You can learn the lingo of trees and street lights. But they’re rude bastards and don’t talk back without payment. What they want, now that’s the hard part.

Public transports are alive, and feast on each other. That’s why buses thrive in Brisbane and are weak, half-rusted things in Sydney where trains dominate. Beware trams- only the fiercest survived the purges until the ’70s, and fled to Melbourne where none will touch them.

Some small towns have ‘ghost hunter’ groups. You might think they’re cute and harmless, taking gullible tourists around all the old mansions and ghost mining towns in the area. Every single one is a front for the Sleepers. They can keep an eye on anyone too curious and put down any demons that spring up.

Canberra is built in circles so the alien overlords know where to land.

The Great Court of the University of Queensland is a mirror for the city’s health. If ever the grass vanishes entirely, Brisbane will fall. It’s like the Tower of London, but without the ravens.

You must have a tree in your yard for each person living in the house, or you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. This is the problem with inner-city living and why everyone is sad.