These were a bunch of UA-style rumors I put in my Mage: the Ascension game taking place in 2001-2002 New York City. Some of them are dated or only make sense in context.

Angels used to roam wild and free in the Bronx until the government killed them.

Rudolph Giuliani used to be one of Benito Mussolini’s Blackshirts back in the thirties. He apparently got alchemy secrets about immortality from some Thule Gesellschaft priest in exchange for a major favor.

At any given time, there are seven virtuous people on Earth who prevent the Apocalypse. Four of them are on the New York City city council.

Vampires have infiltrated every level of society! The Mormons are another of their front operations!

Samael, the angel of death and dark seraphim, has returned to Earth. He lives in an apartment in Queens.

The Jews don’t run the world, but they do run New Jerusalem, Oregon. Completely. They even control the weather and the flow of time.

Pop-up books are just another Illuminati ploy to keep you compliant.

GURPS is a blueprint for the one true church.

Clothes are a prison; mankind can only regain his divinity by reveling in his natural beauty. Get naked!

The Masons and the Brotherhood of the Light are rife with Satanists, and nobody seems to care.

Kidnapings are on the rise in New York City, and it all has to do with the release of Windows XP.

The universe exists only through the symbolic, dynamic tension of three siblings.

If you translate the Jedi Code into Hebrew, then use numerology on what you read, everything will make sense.

Don’t go to New Jersey. Just don’t.

VeggieTales was created by a cabal of Gnostic heretics, but their experiment went awry when corporations commercialized it.

Some group called the Lantern of Justice is righting wrongs in New York City. The weird part is that they’re not just vigilantes; they’re a no-joke superhero group complete with costumes and weird powers.

The terrible sandstorms in Mongolia are just a repeat of the freak hurricanes in Bangladesh back in 1999. Something big is happening, and we’re being kept ignorant of it.

Lucid Investigative Naturalist Technologies, Incorporated is an Illuminati front.

The terrorist organization, Number 26, has corporate sponsorship.

Japanese people are aliens. Japan is just a giant spaceship. Why else the fascination with tentacle sex?

Trepanation is the only way to truly be free.

Eucharist heroin is actually a KGB mind control serum. Every time you take it, you give the Soviet underground more power, until eventually they will sweep across Russia and reinstate the U.S.S.R.

Pigment heroin is bad shit, dude. You get high, yeah, but everything looks broken, and sometimes you see things. Bad things. Things from the shattered dreams of Giger and Lovecraft. My friend swears it’s made from the Devil’s piss.

Really, just avoid all needle drugs. To grossly paraphrase Abbie Hoffman, the only dope worth shooting is George W. Bush.

Have you heard about this new drug called Bliss? Apparently, it’s even more potent than Ecstasy, though it doesn’t make you antsy; you’re more likely to stare at a wall than start kissing someone. Unfortunately, some people claim that it turns users into comatose vegetables, but then again, they’ve been saying that about drugs since they said that some guy in Bellevue OD’d on acid and has thought he’s on fire since 1968.

Blacks don’t bear the mark of Cain. They bear the mark of Lilith.

Louisiana is secretly controlled by Mexico, and has been since the French occupation of Mexico in the 1860s.

The yamulke doesn’t just serve a religious purpose; the original ones were made with a special fabric to prevent alien thought control. The Egyptians tried to enslave the Jews when they realized that the Jews were immune to the depredations of their alien masters.

The children’s show Teletubbies is based on true events.

Prostitution is really the second oldest profession, right after astronomer. Trust me, watching the skies was really important when humanity was young.

Food is just an addiction to make you weak! Starvation is just a severe withdrawl symptom, which is why you can’t quit cold-turkey. You have to ease off food slowly, but if you do, you can become an oxygenarian.

Skyscrapers are not made for human benefit. They will be weapons for the giants at the dawn of Ragnarok.

Is it just me, or have there been more and more wild animals attacks in Brooklyn these days?

Yamulkes don’t prevent alien mind control. It’s all about fucking through a hole in the sheet.

Bullshit! It’s really just sodomy that prevents mind control!

Remember that poorly-translated Chinese ad for Pepsi about bringing your ancestors back from the dead? Yeah. It wasn’t a mistake.

The Bible code is usually bullshit, but if you use it on Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, you’ll understand everything.

If you kill five werewolves, you can become one.

Somebody thinks the rise in disappearances in New York City has to do with cults. Wrong. They’ve been vaporizing when someone sends them a bootleg copy of Rez and they start to play it.

Highlander is based on true events. No joke! I saw two guys swordfighting on Coney Island one night, and when one killed the other, he crackled with energy.

Carl Sagan was the Antichrist. Good thing the Knights Templar got to him before he could do any real damage.

There is an abortion clinic downtown that’s run by the Illuminati.

Really? I heard it was run by an honest-to-Goddess witch. Blessed be!

If you avoid using a common bit of information, you can find immortality.
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It is through perception that we determine our reality. Our sex organs are not in our genitals, but in our eyes.

You know, Jains really have it going on.

Michael Jackson is actually a thought projection of Jung’s collective unconsciousness. The part that scares me is, what does that say about what humanity is thinking?

Cigarette Smoking Man from X-Files is based on a real guy. No shit! I saw him in Starbucks the other day.

Scientists are half-right. Alien abductions are just sleep paralysis and night terrors, but they’re really based on genetic memory. What creature haunts our pre-human synapses, and why did it stop visiting us?

Bjork is secretly an alien.

Stop illegal immigration! Close our borders! In 2012, the Mexicans will revert to Aztec rule, and it will be the hearts of the American people sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli.

In less than a year, we will once again be at war with Iraq.

If you watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the U.S.A., the revelation will blow your mind. Start the album as soon as the lips disappear in the intro, and you’ll understand what I mean.

0.6% of Asian women truly do have sideways vaginas. Apparently, it marks them as the concubines of devils.

God’s name is a palindrome.

When people say the Jews run the world, they don’t know how right they are. Moses controls the legislatures, Lilith works on the human genome, and the golem of Prague helps command the troops.

Canada watches.

Hey, remember that guy who hacked Microsoft’s site a while back? The one with the handle of some famous snack food peddled by tobacco companies? Yeah, well, he’s sold out. Totally. I saw him running around with the federales the other day.

The Russian Mafia and the Freemasons are fighting a secret war for control of humanity. It’s not a question of good versus evil. It’s a question of which situation will suck slightly less for all of us.

A certain major motion picture released in 1999 and depicting a grand conspiracy hiding a culture of slaves is based on the actual metaphysics of the world. I am, of course, discussing Pokemon: The First Movie.

Aliens have landed in northern New Jersey! Armageddon is upon us!

The so-called fat sandwich is really just a plot by Donald Trump and Emeril Lagasse to control the fate of America.

Recently, bootleg copies of the security footage from the Lassater Building massacre have appeared on the streets of New York City. Terrorists my ass! No terrorist can shrug off fucking shotgun fire like that!

Whatever. Those tapes were doctored because the actual event was too horrific for mortal eyes.

Frot brings your ancestors back from the dead.

You know the nursery rhyme “Wire, briar, limber-lock / Three geese in a flock / One flew east, one flew west / And one flew over the cuckoo’s nest”? Well, if someone could figure out the symbolism, it actually leads to buried treasure. Not that Oprah crap, either. I mean honest-to-God, material goods buried treasure.

Ass pennies are real, and they sap your energy. They’re the real reason why people want to get rid of the penny as a denomination of currency.

The pineal gland of cats is so developed that it is extradimensional. It’s how they can see into the Umbra.

Scatman Crothers was the second coming of Christ.

American Indian casinos are part of an intricate ritual to devalue the American economy so that we have no choice but to return the land.

Cannibalism works, but you have to prepare the meat in just the right way to achieve full effect.

The pig on the front of the Elmer’s Glue bottle is representative of the fact that adhesives were formerly made from animal hooves, as frequently thought. Rather, it is symbolic of Napoleon from Animal Farm and denotes their affiliation with the Illuminati.

You jackass! That’s a cow on the front, which obviously implicates them with the Brahmin caste’s domination of the world.

There is a man in Brooklyn who wanders the streets of Bedford-Stuyvesant on the New Moon. If you ask him, “Where do the amaranth flowers grow?” he will say, “They bloom in your heart.” If you give him an amaranth flower, he’ll tell you the True Name of anyone or anything. A lot people ask for demonic True Names, but think of the power you could gain by learning your own True Name – or the True Name of your enemies.

Mr. Merck is planning on running another auction soon, even more ridiculous than the first. I hear he’s going to have dinosaur embryos there.

There is dissention in the ranks of the neocon elite. The New York City chapter of the Illuminati will soon declare war on itself.

The design for the Nintendo Gamecube was based on the Lemarchand Configuration. Eventually, somebody will find the game within the game, and play the mournful toll that summons the Cenobites.

The most recent rash of disappearances in the last days of April and early May is related to the similar disappearance of a prominent artist in the New York City club scene.

A mad musician has learned the Music of the Qlippoth, and once he finds the instruments to play it, he will perform the song that grinds the Spheres to a halt and ends Creation.

There is no God. God is just a magus from a higher order of creation than ours. Our world will end due to her hubris.

The Dark Templar, Scourge of the Fellowships, has returned. He comes to New York City, searching for his lost love.

Since November, some online message boards and other tools of the lunatic fringe have wondered where Lucifer might be. I have trapped him, but to do so, I had to give my greatest gift. I trapped him in the body of my son, who is locked in the trunk in my attic.

Bees communicate by dancing. The buzzing is a message for us.

The De Lorean DMC-12 was discontinued and the De Lorean Motor Company destroyed because John De Lorean had knowledge that could destroy the oil cartels forever.

The incident at Watts’ Farm in Pomona is just the beginning. New York City’s own Ivory Tower will soon be at war with the Black Hand.

There are a rash of old men disappearing at Coney Island. The reaping has begun.

The Unconquered march against the darkness, and nothing can stand in their way.

Run to the desert, man! Helter Skelter is upon us!

The Keeper of the Tolling Terror comes, and he comes for you.

Have you seen the Bea Arthur sex tape? That bitch has power.

Some dude is opening a Hindu temple in a heavily Hispanic neighborhood in the Bronx. Good luck, dude.

Contrary to popular belief, Washington, D.C. is not built on arcane plans to protect the city. Rather, it is built according to arcane calculations to summon something in the event of terrorist attack. If Al-Qaeda awakens the beast, who will put it down?

Despite their best efforts, the FBI cannot find infamous cop-killer Alexei Dionise. However, certain members of the Russian Mafia is rumored to know his whereabouts, and has offered a $200,000 reward for anyone who can find him.

All beggars are part of a secret society with its own rankings and oaths. They share their money among themselves and take care of each other when no one else will. And if you piss them off, they’ll never hear from you again.

I have found the one, true religion, and it is Kapsiki Crab Sorcery.

If you go to the different stations in a certain order, the subway can connect with any other subway in the world.

Fake men walk the streets. They wish to become real again.

Every time a bell rings, an infidel converts to Islam.

Have you seen the eternal wanderer who roams the night? Some say he comes from another world, seeking redemption.

Lately, there has been a rash of vandalism and grave robbing, along with home invasions, kidnapings, and murders. Why is the media keeping it quiet, and why do the police do nothing?

David Letterman is dead, a walking corpse killed in the Holocaust. He will perform his talk show, night after night, until the Nazi menace is finally crushed.

The Satanists in New York City are on the run. Their death knell tolls, and their judgment is at hand.

Approximately 67% of people you pass on the street are not real. The worst part? They are more successful than you, and their imaginary lives are more interesting than yours. Too bad, so sad.

NASA is co-opted by the Illuminati and the Satanists.

There’s a man on 42nd Street who knows the truth to all the rumors you hear on the street. If you give him the eyeball of an eight-year-old, he’ll tell you.

Global warming, deforestation, violence, poverty, famine. The answers all lie in human dreams. Dream research is the one, true science.

You know how most people — gay, straight, male, female — will explain that they enjoy breasts? Well, it has nothing to do with mother. The aliens installed breasts in our DNA because they look like breasts, and when our instincts overwhelm our reason, the aliens win.

Nazi Germany won World War II. Does this look like the best of all possible futures to you?

No, the Allies won World War II. The world looks like this because the Axis powers didn’t win. Trust me, the world would have been a Utopia.

The Final Battle, the Final Judgment, has come and gone, and no one noticed.

War rages in Heaven. A new God shall ascend to the throne, and mortals shall reap what they have sown.