Fans of Shakespeare like to talk about how timeless his works are. But when those fans are adepts, this may not be a good thing- especially if they decide mere actors can’t do the plots justice.

So there’s something weird going on with the theater department at my college. The two women who run it are fucking crazy about Shakespeare, and they’ve been doing one of his plays every year for the twenty years they’ve been working here.

And in all that time, I can’t believe I’m the only one who’s realized what’s going on. I guess everyone puts it down to the Bard being eternally relevant. Or maybe they would notice it if people actually went to the drama performances.

Last year they did Taming of the Shrew, and that professor everyone assumed was a lesbian got married. The year before that, they did Tempest, and Jake from my psychology class learned they’d found his uncle stuck where his plane had crashed years ago. When I was a freshman, we put on Romeo and Juliet amid a rise in suicides on campus.

I thought maybe I was paranoid, but the campus keeps records of all the plays they’ve done, with pictures and stuff. Just for the hell of it, I looked at the local newspaper from a few of those years. Apparently, the year they did Othello was the same one that some student goaded his friend into killing his girlfriend. And when they did Hamlet- let’s say I’m surprised the town ever recovered from it.

This year, they’ve announced they’re doing Titus Andronicus.

I quit my job in the cafeteria. And I’m getting a transfer as soon as I can.